Acura Integra – I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
Acura Legend – I’m too bland for German cars.
Acura NSX – I’m impotent.
Audi 90 – I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue – I’m older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado – I’m a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Cadillac Seville – I’m a pimp.
Chevrolet Camaro – I enjoy beating the hell out of people.
Chevrolet Chevette – I like seeing people’s reactions when I tell them I have a ‘Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette – I’m in a mid-life crisis.
Chevrolet El Camino – I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.
Chrysler Cordoba – I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
Datsun 280Z – I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
Dodge Dart – I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.
Dodge Daytona – I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Ferrari Testarossa – I’m known to prematurely ejaculate.
Ford Fairmont – (See Dodge Dart).
Ford Mustang – I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria – I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.
Geo Storm – I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker – I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol – I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
Honda Civic – I have just graduated and have no credit.
Honda Accord – I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 – I’m a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse – I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 – I’m so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia – I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach – I only have one testicle.
Lincoln Town Car – I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Mercury Grand Marquis – I’m an AARP member and need my social security for the car payment.
Mercedes 500SL – I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL – I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
Mazda Miata – I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler.
MGB – I’m dating a mechanic.
Mitsubishi Diamante – I don’t know what it means either.
Nissan 300ZX – I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass – I just stole this car and I’m going to make a fortune off the parts.
Peugeot 505 Diesel – I’m on the EPA’s Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Neon – I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
Pontiac Trans AM – I have a switchblade in my sock.
Porsche 911 Turbo – I have a three inch thingie.
Porsche 944 – I’m dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow – I think Pat Buchanan is a tad bit too liberal.
Saturn SC2 – (See Honda Civic).
Subaru Legacy – I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu.
Toyota Camry – I’m still in the closet.
Volkswagen Cabriolet – I’m out of the closet.
Volkswagen Microbus – I’m tripping right now.
Volkswagen Beetle – I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volvo 740 Wagon – I’m very frightened of my wife.