Who Does She Think She Is?

Posts tagged ‘women’

Blog Post

A Man’s Dictionary

Posted by Joni in Humor & Fun

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Phrase: “I’m going fishing.”
Definition: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a lake with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
Phrase: “It’s a guy thing.”
Definition: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
Phrase: “Can I help with dinner?”
Definition: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
Phrase: “Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” “Yes, dear.”
Definition: Absolutely nothing. They are conditioned responses.
Phrase: “It would take too long to explain.”
Definition: “I have no idea how it works.”
Phrase: “We’re going to be late.”
Definition: “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
Phrase: “I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.”
Definition: “I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”
Phrase: “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Definition: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
Phrase: “That’s women’s work.”
Definition: “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”
Phrase: “You know how bad my memory is.”
Definition: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
Phrase: “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
Definition: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
Phrase: “Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Definition: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
Phrase: “I can’t find it.”
Definition: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
Phrase: “What did I do this time?”
Definition: “What did you catch me at?”
Phrase: “I heard you.”
Definition: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”
Phrase: “You know I could never love anyone else.”
Definition: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
Phrase: “You look terrific.”
Definition: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”
Phrase: “I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Definition: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

Phrase: “We share the housework.”
Definition: “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

Blog Post

Chick Drinks .. a Men’s Guide

Posted by Joni in General

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I’ve been spending this quiet, cold, rainy Saturday afternoon cleaning out my email inbox and doing some major house work. Found this, kinda cute.

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Beer
Personality: Casual, low maintenance, down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying, a pain in the ass
Your Approach: Avoid her unless you want to be her cabin boy
Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her, she’ll send YOU a drink
Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years, Alzheimer’s and term limits be damned
White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she’s classy and sophisticated; actually has no clue
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is
Shots
Personality: Hankging with frat boy pals or looking to get drunk — and naked
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait

BTW, if you were wondering … I’m a kamikaze kinda gal myself.

Blog Post

A Public Service Announcement for All You Singles Out There

Posted by Joni in General, Humor & Fun

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Landed in my in-box this afternoon; thanks Jana

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish … 49
Adventurous … Slept with everyone
Athletic … No boobs
Average looking … Ugly
Beautiful … Pathological liar
Contagious Smile … Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure … On medication
Feminist … Flannel shirt
Free spirit … Junkie
Friendship first … Former slut
Fun … Annoying
New-Age … Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned … No BJ’s
Open-minded … Desperate
Outgoing … Loud and embarrassing
Passionate … Sloppy drunk
Professional … Bitch
Voluptuous … Very fat
Large frame … Hugely fat
Wants soul mate … Stalker

WOMEN’S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?

MEN’S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you

Vive la difference!

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