Here’s some things the relocation service probably never told you.
THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW BEFORE YOU MOVE TO TEXAS….
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
2. Just because YOU can drive on snow and ice does not mean WE can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. DON’T try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
3. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and fish bait in the same store.
4. Remember: “Ya’ll” is singular, “All Y’all” is plural and “All Y’all’s” is plural possessive.
5. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
6. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,directly in the middle of the road, remember: A lot of folks learned to drive on a vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
7. If you hear a redneck exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!,” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
8. Get used to the phrase, “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.” And the collateral phrase “You call this hot? Wait’ll August!”
9. There are no delis. Don’t ask.
10. In conversation, never put your hand on a man’s shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.
11. Chili does NOT have beans in it.
12. Brisket is not “cooked” in an oven.
13. Don’t tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
14. If you think it’s too hot, don’t worry. It’ll cool down – in December.
15. We do TOO have four seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!
16. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol here. A Ford F-350 is.
17. If someone tells you “Don’t worry, those peppers ain’t hot” you can be certain they are.
18. If you fail to heed my warning in #17 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won’t do it.
19. Rocky Mountain Oysters are neither from the mountains nor
oysters. Don’t ask.
20. If someone says they’re “fixin’” to do something, that doesn’t
mean anything’s broken.
21. If you don’t understand our passion for college and high school football, just keep your mouth shut.
22. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.
23. If you are the slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder, that is what is called “courtesy”.
24. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.
25. No matter what you’ve seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime.
26. “Tea” = Iced Tea. There is no other kind. Period. End of discussion.
27. Everything goes better with Ranch Dressing or Hot Sauce.