Who Does She Think She Is?

Widda Hood

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Two Years, Two Million Tears

Posted by Joni in About Him, Widda Hood

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I cannot believe that it will be two years tomorrow since Robo left my life forever. Sometimes it seems as raw and painful as if it happened just yesterday. Some days — most days, actually — I go through my daily routine with Robo tagging along in the back of my thoughts and in my heart. Other days, the grief overtakes me and I have to indulge myself in a tear-fest. Often those happen sitting in my car in the garage outside my house. Other times, in the shower, as I remember the baths he so loved to take, especially in the roll in shower created just for him right after we bought this house. With money gained from his medical malpractice suit.

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Another Holiday Without Robo

Posted by Joni in About Him, Widda Hood

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I cannot believe it’s been a year. I couldn’t blog on the anniversary. It hit me pretty hard. I spent the day remembering, hour by hour reliving everything. My brain wouldn’t let me NOT do that. Everyone around me is planning Christmas and I am trying to be cheerful about it all. We never decorated the house for Christmas — I guess not having kids spared us of that obligation. But we always treated ourselves to one spectacular “house present” every year, ranging from airline tickets for a planned Las Vegas trip to a new HD TV and everything in between. Last year, we had planned to treat ourselves to a fine steak dinner at Morton’s Steakhouse. I had even printed out the menus and Robo had already begun fantasizing about his dinner. But that never happened. And I got caught up in the funeral arrangements and my own hospitalization at the same time — so that the holidays last year were just a big blur. This year I have more time to brood about it, and that’s exactly what I’ve done. Not consciously, you understand. but I just cannot help it.

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Tears

Posted by Joni in About Him, Widda Hood

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Anyone who knows me well knows that I cry at the drop of a hat. My favorite uncle told me when I was just a little girl that the world would be an unhappy place for someone who wore their heart on their sleeve. He was right, I guess.

There are all kind of tears, cried for all kinds of reasons. There have been times I’ve laughed so hard that I’ve cried. I cry when I hear a sad song or see a sad movie. When I see or read something that kills my soul, like animal abuse and other inhumanities that humans visit on themselves and other creatures. I cry when I am frustrated with something or if something disappoints me (read: If I don’t get my way about something I’ve counted on).

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One True Love

Posted by Joni in About Him, Love, Widda Hood

Someone asked me a question the other day that kind of pissed me off and certainly offended me. She asked me when I was going to start “dating.” Dating? Good grief. The answer is a resounding NEVER. Why? I’ll tell you why. I spent the better part of my adult life chasing after men whose only flaw, as it would turn out, was that they were NOT Roberto. My mother said you only ever have one true love in life. I firmly believe Roberto was that one true love. He certainly was my soul mate.

Over the past 30 years, Robert has always been there for me. He “got me” the way no one else ever has or ever will. He was my intellectual equal, we shared the same twisted sense of humor, we loved the same things. Most importantly, we traveled well together. (How many couples can truly say THAT?!)

Simply put, there isn’t a man out there who can hold a candle to Robert so why bother looking? I’ve known unconditional love, selfless love. And I have memories of that and those, my friends, those memories, are all I need. So sorry, guys out there, breathe a sigh of relief. You’ve been spared.

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Just Another Reason To Miss Roberto…

Posted by Joni in About Him, Widda Hood

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I am sitting here at Big Law, bored, three projects completed and stacked up ready to be picked up. I decided to clean out my email inbox and Sent Items folders. I ran across this, written to a friend regarding relationship issue (she had been considering a divorce and asked for advice). Just another reason I believe Robo and I were (and still are) soulmates. There just isn’t anyone out there like him and never will be.

Robo and I have been together off and on, mostly on, for 30 years now. (Yeesh, am I THAT old?!) And he’s not like most men anyway. He’s always let me be who I am, let me do what I want as far as my career, legal secretarial, and more importantly my web design business. . . . He’s let me chase my rainbows maybe because he knows that all roads eventually lead back to him anyway.

Yeah, we broke all the rules friendship- and relationship-wise. And then he broke my heart.

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Tomorrow Is Robert’s Birthday.

Posted by Joni in About Him, Widda Hood

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Tomorrow would have been Robert’s 64th birthday. We’ve celebrated every birthday, his and mine, together since I was 23 and he was 33. Birthday celebrations were always low-key with a couple of notable exceptions. I’d buy him a new shirt or pair of pants, make his favorite dinner and otherwise cater to him on “his day.” He looked forward to the extra special treatment, a day when he had a free pass to do just about anything. :)

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Four and Counting….

Posted by Joni in About Him, General, Widda Hood

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It’s been almost four months since Robert’s been gone. And I really don’t feel any better about it. I seem to be suffering some kind of delayed grief reaction. By this I mean that I seem to be crying more lately than I did in the beginning, and that may be due to all the myriad things that were going on at that time. Now, I have time to sit and actually think about things and feel them, the way I wasn’t able to back in December.

At first, I could fool myself and pretend he was just in the hospital, where he’d spent so much of the time these past few years — and especially in 2011. But that didn’t work for long. Because even in the hospital, we had daily calls and almost daily visits. I’d generally head up to the hospital after work each night or spend most of the weekend up there, dragging my laptop and snacks with me.

And of course there are reminders of him everywhere I go. He was my life. Every grocery store, every drive I take anywhere, TV shows, all my routines, were all tied up in Robert. And even though I know I shouldn’t, part of me still feels a twinge of guilt when I catch myself feeling happy about something. I’ll stop, and I’ll remember Robo, and then get sad all over again. I guess this is normal. When my mother died, which is the only other yardstick for grief that I have, I remember crying for months it seemed. And it was five years before I could even drive past the cemetery where she was buried, let alone go in and visit the grave site. But when I finally did go, with a friend, I was expecting to be socked by a gut-full of emotion, but I wasn’t. There was just a sense of calmness and well being.

On the way to get my dinner last night, across town at Wilcrest and Westheimer, I ended up on the Katy Freeway, and the cemetery is just right off the Antoine exit. So I pulled off, and pulled into the cemetery, drove to the grave site and walked around it a bit. I didn’t cry then either. I just felt that same calmness and peacefulness I felt when I finally visited my mother’s grave. It was as if he was there, and that comforted me. I told him I was going to go get burek from Cafe Pita and had to stop since I was so close. Right about the time I said that, a breeze started up. I took that to be Robert laughing at my, as he called it, “maddening practicality.” And he always knew that when he was hospitalized at Heartland, it was our chance to scarf burek, since the facility was just around the corner.

That still doesn’t keep the house from seeming lonely at times, from causing me to wonder what my purpose in life is now. Now that I don’t have Robo. I just go through the motions of daily living, going to work, taking care of Duncan, cooking, cleaning, etc. I guess it will just take a little more time for me to get back into my groove and figure out how to be happy without someone who was the center of my world for the last 30 years. Any way you look at it, that’s a tall order.

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Missing… Read It And Weep

Posted by Joni in About Him, General, Widda Hood

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One good thing about having a cold. You can go ahead and cry and people will just attribute your puffy eyes and blotchy face as another manifestation of that disease. I’ve been doing a lot of crying lately. As much or more as when the death happened. I know there is no time limit on grief, I still think of my mother and tears well up in my eyes, and she’s been gone 30 years. I’ve actually known Robo longer than I knew my mother, 31 years versus 22 years. So naturally his death hit me hard.

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