Oldie but goodie.
Oldie but goodie.
Here are five important points for bank robbers to keep in mind:
Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?
Now you know!
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
I was reading Robert’s owner’s manual for his new wheelchair. When I came to this section, I just knew I’d be mentioning it here. There are actual instructions for how to pop a wheelie, and extra instructions for an assistant to help the wheelchair rider to learn to do something like that. But first, some preliminary checks. Directly from the manual:
Doing a “wheelie” means balancing on the rear wheels of your chair, while the front casters are in the air. It is dangerous to do a “wheelie” as a fall or tip-over may occur. However, if you do it safely, a “wheelie” can help you overcome curbs and other obstacles.
The manual advises a person should “[c]onsult your doctor, nurse or therapist to find out if you are a good candidate to learn to do a ‘wheelie.'”
That nearly made me burst out laughing. I told Robert there’s one test to see if you are a good candidate for a wheelie, and it’s this:
1. Look down.
2. Do you see a pair of balls there?
3. Then you can go ahead and do the wheelie.
Landed in my in-box this afternoon; thanks Jana…
40-ish … 49
Adventurous … Slept with everyone
Athletic … No boobs
Average looking … Ugly
Beautiful … Pathological liar
Contagious Smile … Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure … On medication
Feminist … Flannel shirt
Free spirit … Junkie
Friendship first … Former slut
Fun … Annoying
New-Age … Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned … No BJ’s
Open-minded … Desperate
Outgoing … Loud and embarrassing
Passionate … Sloppy drunk
Professional … Bitch
Voluptuous … Very fat
Large frame … Hugely fat
Wants soul mate … Stalker
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
Vive la difference!
How many women does it take to open a can of beer?
Foung in my inbox:
There was a Kentucky phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and a team of two northern guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: “Here’s what we’ll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job.”
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the northern guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they’d put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Darrel, the redneck guys came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, “Well, how many poles did you guys install?”
Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, “Darrel and me, we got three in.”
The boss gasped, “Three? Those two northern guys put in twelve!”
“Yeah,” said Bubba, “but you should see how much they left stickin’ out of the ground!”