Who Does She Think She Is?

Humor & Fun

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Bank Robbery 101

Posted by Joni in Humor & Fun

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Here are five important points for bank robbers to keep in mind:

1. Punctuality
This one is really quite simple. If you arrive at the bank after it is closed and the doors are locked, your plan will be foiled. You need to get yourself a decent watch and arrive at the bank during banking hours, not at 5:36 p.m.
Source: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34222211/ns/us_news-weird_news/
2. Oral Hygiene
Often overlooked amongst inexperienced robbers, but important. If your breath is so bad that it becomes part of the description the tellers give to the police, you are doing it wrong. Get yourself a good toothbrush and a bottle of Listerine to eliminate this risk.
Source: http://tweetmeme.com/story/283062636/fla-police-seek-alleged-bad-breath-bank-robber
3. Obvious Patterns
There are lots of banks in the world and even in your home town. There is no need to have a “go-to” bank for robberies. If you find yourself robbing the same bank so many times that the tellers recognize you when you come in and say, “It’s him again,” you need to get yourself a Yellow Pages and a navigation system for your getaway car and branch out.
Source: http://www.legaljuice.com/2009/11/bank_robber_returns_to_scene_a.html
4. Penmanship
Ask yourself this question, robbers: If your hold-up note is written so sloppily that the teller cannot read it, forcing you to then go re-write the darn thing more legibly on a bank deposit slip during the robbery, is it really serving its intended purpose? Hardly. Give yourself sufficient time before the robbery itself to write a legible hold-up note or have an accomplice with better handwriting write it for you.
Source: http://www.legaljuice.com/2009/10/im_guessing_this_young_lady_ha.html
5. Acknowledge Your Physical Limitations
Let’s face it, not all wannabe bank robbers are spring chickens. But that doesn’t have to stop you. If you are 70 or 80 years old and cannot rob a bank without bringing along your oxygen tank, then doggone it, you bring that oxygen tank. There are no style points awarded here, and it will not help you to run out of breath as you flee, er, WALK from the scene.
Source: http://www.fox5sandiego.com/news/kswb-elderly-robber,0,2310905.story

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Truth In Advertising

Posted by Joni in Humor & Fun

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Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean?

NEW
Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW
Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION
No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN
The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
REDESIGNED
Previous flaws fixed – we hope.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
We finally got one to work.
MAINTENANCE FREE
Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS
Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE
Heavy as hell.

Now you know!

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A Man’s Dictionary

Posted by Joni in Humor & Fun

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Phrase: “I’m going fishing.”
Definition: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a lake with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
Phrase: “It’s a guy thing.”
Definition: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
Phrase: “Can I help with dinner?”
Definition: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
Phrase: “Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” “Yes, dear.”
Definition: Absolutely nothing. They are conditioned responses.
Phrase: “It would take too long to explain.”
Definition: “I have no idea how it works.”
Phrase: “We’re going to be late.”
Definition: “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
Phrase: “I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.”
Definition: “I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”
Phrase: “Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Definition: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
Phrase: “That’s women’s work.”
Definition: “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”
Phrase: “You know how bad my memory is.”
Definition: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
Phrase: “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
Definition: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
Phrase: “Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Definition: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
Phrase: “I can’t find it.”
Definition: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
Phrase: “What did I do this time?”
Definition: “What did you catch me at?”
Phrase: “I heard you.”
Definition: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”
Phrase: “You know I could never love anyone else.”
Definition: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
Phrase: “You look terrific.”
Definition: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”
Phrase: “I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Definition: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

Phrase: “We share the housework.”
Definition: “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

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I’ll Take Twisted Definitions for $500, Please, Alex…

Posted by Joni in General, Humor & Fun

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

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Testosterone Check

Posted by Joni in General, Humor & Fun

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I was reading Robert’s owner’s manual for his new wheelchair. When I came to this section, I just knew I’d be mentioning it here. There are actual instructions for how to pop a wheelie, and extra instructions for an assistant to help the wheelchair rider to learn to do something like that. But first, some preliminary checks. Directly from the manual:

Doing a “wheelie” means balancing on the rear wheels of your chair, while the front casters are in the air. It is dangerous to do a “wheelie” as a fall or tip-over may occur. However, if you do it safely, a “wheelie” can help you overcome curbs and other obstacles.

The manual advises a person should “[c]onsult your doctor, nurse or therapist to find out if you are a good candidate to learn to do a ‘wheelie.'”

That nearly made me burst out laughing. I told Robert there’s one test to see if you are a good candidate for a wheelie, and it’s this:

1. Look down.
2. Do you see a pair of balls there?
3. Then you can go ahead and do the wheelie.

Nuff said.

A Quickie Q2 Lite

Blog Post

I Wanna New Drug…

Posted by Joni in General, Humor & Fun

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and
loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?”
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t
remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Blog Post

A Public Service Announcement for All You Singles Out There

Posted by Joni in General, Humor & Fun

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Landed in my in-box this afternoon; thanks Jana

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish … 49
Adventurous … Slept with everyone
Athletic … No boobs
Average looking … Ugly
Beautiful … Pathological liar
Contagious Smile … Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure … On medication
Feminist … Flannel shirt
Free spirit … Junkie
Friendship first … Former slut
Fun … Annoying
New-Age … Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned … No BJ’s
Open-minded … Desperate
Outgoing … Loud and embarrassing
Passionate … Sloppy drunk
Professional … Bitch
Voluptuous … Very fat
Large frame … Hugely fat
Wants soul mate … Stalker

WOMEN’S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?

MEN’S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you

Vive la difference!

Blog Post

A Little Levity

Posted by Joni in Humor & Fun

Foung in my inbox:

TELEPHONE POLES

There was a Kentucky phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks and a team of two northern guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: “Here’s what we’ll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job.”

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the northern guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they’d put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Darrel, the redneck guys came back and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, “Well, how many poles did you guys install?”

Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, “Darrel and me, we got three in.”

The boss gasped, “Three? Those two northern guys put in twelve!”

“Yeah,” said Bubba, “but you should see how much they left stickin’ out of the ground!”

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